Colombo (Boombox)
(originally published on Sunday, May13, 2005)
The real government of Sri Lanka today slipped into the island for their first visit since 1948, bypassing the people, and heading straight up to the re-fortified hill concession of Kandy (Nuwara).
Bankers, Chief Financial Officers (CFOs), and Chief Executive Officers (CEOs) from the International Sri Lanka Aid Consortium, made up of the World Bank, IMF, ADB, Japan, US and Canada will meet in Nuwara (Kandy) on 16th and 17th May.
The Aid Consortium, which has set the island country’s macro and micro economic policy for the last 28 years at least, normally meets in Paris.
Said a local organizer, Pragdana Sudulingasinghe, “They got tired of
looking at that rusting Eiffel mechano-set, and sick of the see-through dosais, I mean crepes. Besides, the Parisian call girls and boys a’la boom all belong to strong labour unions now. Je ne sais quoi!”
“The bankocrats also feel less afraid these days in post-tsunami Lanka. So all masques are off.”
Head of the World Bank Paul ‘The Wolf’ Wolfowitz.exclaimed: “It’s lovely here in Nu-war-eh? The flowers are blooming. Everyone is smiling. The island looks so small on a powerpoint map and yet our revenue projections are even sunnier!” said the former deputy-director of defense under Abu Ghraib Oberdammerung Donald Rumsfeldt.
Wolfowitz is now considered the real finance minister of Sri Lanka, or as he calls himself: “CFO, Lanka Unlimited.” Cabinet meetings are considered mere rubber stamps of multinational policy papers stamped by the US Treasury. “In fact they don’t even bother to meet anymore, and all politicians are mere vote-bankers now.”
Wolfowitz insisted: “We are here to make sure that none of those promises for an economically democratic society, made on May Day two weeks ago to workers and peasants, are met. Any attempt at an independent industrial policy will also be bunker-blasted.”
A publicity agent for Baby 81, said the Kalmunai fledgling who the tsunami washed all the way to Manhattan’s Disney studios, will boycott a press conference and photo-op with the World Bank Head, the renowned baby kisser and IBRD warlord Paul Wolfshitz.
Instead Baby 81 will network with Baby 48, Baby 49, Baby 53, Baby 56, Baby 58, Baby 64, Baby 71, Baby 77, Baby 80, Baby 83, Baby 89 and more recent traumatized issue, to plot a strategy to rid the country of all big bad white and honorary white wolves in banker’s pinstripes.
A spokesbum for the Queen of England, whose head is crowned with shiny rocks stolen from Ratnapura, expressed regret that Mark Thatcher, the island’s biggest arms merchant from the UK, will not be attending. “Mark is resting in a South African rehab for a hashed-up coup attempt in Central Africa. He sends his greetings in Xhosa, which will be read out at the consortium. Queen-to-be Prince Charles also cannot attend, for he is honeymooning with Camilla’s butler.”
The bankers will visit tea plantations in Kandy, housemaid plantations in Gampaha, refugee plantations in the Vanni, and beachboy plantations in Negombo.
“Our multinationals pay better hourly wages for those windy offshore blow jobs than the local employers of daily domestics,” boasted ‘The Wolf.’
“The opposition shadow cabinet is actually a shadow of a shadow,” added an unnamed analyst off-the-record wearing a yakaa mask, claiming that the opposition newspapers, “‘The Daily Error,’ the ‘Oneday Slime’ and the ‘Anyday Sleazier’ get their economic editorial policy from the US embassy’s photocopy room wastepaper basket. The Sinhala and Tamil papers, all run by competing traders, don’t discuss overall economic policy, they just insult
each other, it’s more profitable.”
“The Consortium bankrolled JR Jayawardene back in 1976 to set this country aflame. He started an intractable war, and fired thousands of trade unionists. Now every government employee is a small businessman who thinks only his relatives own what remains of public assets.”
“The bankers are all suffering from tsunami envy. They insist they have caused more destruction on the island. and they are here to prove it.”
‘Neo-Napo’ Jacques Offstet, CFO of the Parisian Banque Bourse LeBlanc, said, “We gave JR billions and his relatives bought off all the gangsters and thuggas. But they put most of it right back in England’s banks. So we also funded the other side to keep him busy. In fact we fund all sides, because we French are philosophers, unlike those Anglais booquias.”
A spokesfeline for the local Yama-Net said, “We tried to scare them a little bit last week threatening to go back to war, but tigers, lions,
civet cats, all become pussycats and tread ’sotto-sotto’ when the ‘kings of the beasts’ arrives.”
If there is one thing suicide bombers and high priests agree on is
protecting capitalists. Suicide bombers are on vacation cooling-off their underware in Nuwara Eliya, betting on the racing horses and buffaloes. High-strung naval ratings are sunbathing off Kotiyar Bay. Pated High Priests, Sceptred Bishops, Fezzed Mullahs and One-haired Swamis are wearing baseball caps sporting logos with “New York Yankees” and “Morgan Citibank.”
John Blank, International Director of the Canadian Imperialist Bank of Commerce is thrilled to be in the hill-country.
“It’s my first time, but I feel I know every inch of it,” said the CIBC’s Mr. Blank. Canada has done the most extensive surveys of the ‘troubled spots’ of the island under ostensible ‘Malaria’ research, and funded the Mahaweli Diversion project which helped build some lovely large luxury seaside condos in Colombo.
Canadian embassy officials also regularily visit refugee camps to obtain low-waged clerks for their 2X4 bank cubicles in Toronto. “Off-the-record,” Blank said, “we are also trying to prevent a class-action suit for the dumping of cancer-causing Canadian asbestos as roofing material on the island.”
US Citibank director, Jack “the Organ” Morgan, said he’d met all the top captains of commerce, “Hey they are all petty traders like we all were before ‘Free Trade.’ I can’t see any difference between them and us. We sell. They buy. After all, they also all got their MBAs in Idaho.”
Japan is the biggest funder of white elephant projects and largest dumper of used-cars in the region. “We are all tsunami survivors,” said Ozi ‘Hero’ Hirohito, CEO of the bankrupt Mitsui Bank, hoping to raise some liquid sushi off some dubious road contracts through their agent, Kumagai.”
He added: “All our loans are interest-free. Though of course we charge ten times the normal amount for building a tiny road. We hear the JVP can do it for hundred-times less, that is why we and the NGOs and bankers are all against them.”
The bankers have timed the visit to make sure their local agents, company directors, and super-peons rush forward their plans for turning the island into a corner petrolshed for the movement of Rockerfeller’s newly stolen oil from Central Asia via the Straits of Malacca.
Demonstrators at the forum will only criticize the present quasi-leftist quasi-government alliance, because these protesting NJOys are also funded by the same bankers. “It’sa a lovely situ, and at least we all get to meet in Kandy and not Colombo which is always hot,” said Pakasoosthy Soundbytelingam, head of the Centre for Funding Analysis (CFA).
A spokespeon for the umbrella group, Commonwealth of All NGOs in Existence (CANGANIE), Q. ‘D Rope’ Rupeesinger, sang, “We are full of Peace. Only Those Who Donor Know. Only We Don’t Know, U Know, Buck-A-Moon-Know.”
“We are trying to pass a “Pro-Conversion Bill” where they have to convert all foreign exchange into our currency,” said Ven. Velendapolay Kerolakadawal, an MP for the newly emerged observer group, Ado-HU. “And we want the Buddha’s image on the cash. This way if they devalue the money,
they are devaluing the culture.”
A spokesman for the Pseudo Agents of Kandy.Org (PAKOS), who’ve turned the hills into Shanghai-type white-only concessions, said, “We in Kandy are proud to sip our Earl Grey Tea and English Breakfast Tea with our sponsors and protectors. Only in Kandy, eh?” US, British, Dutch, German and French agents have long married and bought into the top feudal families of the
region.
2005 is the 500th anniversary of the invasion of Lanka begun by the Portuguese and continued by the Dutch and the English. The Consortium will also exact guarantees that no “Bill of Reparations” will be placed before the European parliament this year, so as to embarrass the EU’s ostensibly anti-colonialist President, who is from Portugal.
In an unrelated issue, a CNN media director admitted that the reason why the TV network always shows the temperature on the island at 32º, is not a conspiracy of the CNN hotels chain, but is taken from the thermometer stuck up the US ambassador’s backside in AC Colpetty. This device will also be linked to a new tsunami warning system from now on, to alert us of waves of
new effluent that will come our way after this meeting…
—
Boombox is a offshore subsidary of MNN.
MNN is a subsidiary of I/O.
BamBam and its super-search engine Goo-Goo
Are full-owned affiliates of Boombox.
