By Predarika Loosenz, reporting from Colombo, Sri Lanka
Allied Press, 14 November 2005
Senior journalists and editors shed bras and ties and sarongs and
saris as they crawled naked out of the virtual offices of the well-
known e-news service Emp TV (EmpT Vision Ltd.) in Colombo early Monday morning.
The knickerless protest began after the ‘muckraking’ newswire joined Reuters, AFP and AP in publishing fake push-polls and pop-up stats, claiming the neo-liberal candidate ahead in Thursday’s Presidential election.
“We decided to leave our genitals on our desktops, and pixel in
question marks ‘????’ where our desires once parked overnight,” said Imeena Ibn a’ Hussar, a veteran yonimediacentric and art-
exhibitionist, heading on her kneecaps to her fave Colombo 3 wet spot.
“We are exposing our own delicacies to the westwinds because Empire TV bummed out by not exposing the financial forces out to funk the island.”
World Raid Organization Meeting
Ibn a’ Hussar was referring to the “KOWTOW IN KOWLOON” next month in Hongkong, where the World Trade Organization (WTO) Ministerial Meeting will remove all local decision-making power from representative parliaments around the world, and turn them into capitalist rubber-stamp machines like imperialist legislatures in London, Ottawa and Washington. The neo-lib candidate’s shadow trade minister has promised to sign the sell-out accord in Pali, in keeping with the Sri Lankan elite’s characteristic of diversion from the mathematics of the real world.
No media of any weightage has reported on this heavy upcoming WTO December event, and great hopes were placed on Emp TV’s supposedly maverick news service to detail the massive sellout of sovereignty.
Last week, leading CEOs such as Charles Holliday of Du Pont, US, Jan du Plessis of British American Tobacco, UK, Peter Brabeck-Letmathe of Nestle, Switzerland, Andrew N. Liveris of Dow Chemical Company, US, Henry A. McKinnell, of Pfizer Inc., US, Gerard Mestrallet of Suez, France, Mikio Sasaki of Mitsubishi Corp., Japan and 45 other pirates wrote a letter threatening governments across the world, with serious repercussions by multinationals and banks if they did not sign the accord next month.
Upset about Pirate Fee Media Sellouts
The broad daylight butt-naked protest by Emp TV workers taking over the airlessness of Colombo’s ritzy World Trade Centre was virtually aimed at the editorial policy of Emp TV, the island’s premier alternative news service.
“Look, there is an EL NINO of resistance sweeping the world again,
from Korea to Southern Africa to Venezuela and Bolivia, and we must not falter.”
The defrocked journalists said Emp TV’s policy amounted to open
support for the neo-liberal presidential candidate in the upcoming
election. Many platitudinous journalists, along with NGOists, who
made their grand entry into the middle class off the last
dispensation are now supporting the rightist candidate. “A lot of
money has been poured in to buy their silence or their complicity,
usually couched in high philosophy.”
“Media-run elections have been made touchstones of capital’s version of ‘democracy’ because this media obtains huge amounts of bribes aka advertising contracts for such astro-turf or ‘fake grassroots’ spectacles,” said media-analist U.B. Nickerlos. “It is a good excuse to sell pulp and paper, ink, paint, plastic, pixels, soundbytes etc.
and not to mention a good dose of discredited capitalist economics.”
The Emp TV boondoggy-style uprising is possibly the first naked e- picket in internet history, leading to an almost total shutdown of
the island’s information highway during the a.m. rush hour, as dawn websurfers gawked at a dozen preening pettifoggers popping up at them on their way to their early morning wank-sites.
The protest is unusual for modern-day writers, who are seen as
quicker than most of their predecessors to genuflect at the ordure of crumbling capitalism: As Lenin noted a hundred years ago, “if you don’t aim at the banks and monopolies, your writing in the modern world is mere whitewash.”
Said veteran satirist Illucion Lajakarionandon Singho, “We do not
want to be hacks like Reuters and AFP stringers who just repeat neo- liberal hackitudes over and over again: such as ‘blessed are the paisa-makers.’” He was referring to a recent paid-advertisement by the Pope’s chief brown cleric here, sponsored by a private born-again insurance corporation owner, supporting the neo-liberal candidate.
“The role of advertising agencies also needs to be exposed,” noted
Illucion Singho, who refers to the internet, as the ‘Pimpernet.’
The island nation’s 5th Executive Presidential Election is being
mainly psychographed by leading Washington and London public-
relations agencies who have worked in tandem with the US State
Department, stage-managing electoral ‘pastel revolutions’ across
Eastern Europe. They have lent (at exorbitant interest rates) their
support to the neo-liberal candidate in Sri Lanka’s upcoming
presidential elections, despite his lucky-13 previous losses in
earlier elections.
The assassination of the beloved Foreign Minister of the outgoing
President was seen as the first neo-lib shot fired to ensure the
election of its candidate.
Pop-up Conomics
All the private/pirate media outlets have joined in a fear campaign
claiming the choice is neo-liberalism or tribal war. Ads promising
bribes such as free CIC fertilizer have been popping up on old
movies, cartoons and MuzakTV as recommended by their ideological media-guide and new CIA-replacement, the US National Endowment for Democracy (NED). NED already has its claws full trying to manipulate the 9 elections slated for South America in 2006 alone. The Sri Lankan election is to be a timely template for them.
Emp TV, a multi-planetary installation rumoured to have 25 stolen
satellites known as ‘Dahas-As’ roaming the heavens at any given
instant, was charged with accepting “earthly gratuities and
promissory notes in the here and after,” in exchange for a suspect
brooding silence during the island nation’s 5th, and possibly last,
Executive Presidential election.
Said another veteran photo-opportunist, Manic del Wanna-B, “Emp TV’s stance must’ve been adopted with the hope of gaining legal entry into the slave marketplace after years of popular brigandage.”
“We believe that in this perilous hour, a news service like Emp TV
should state clearly their position, rather than flutter their petals
coyly in the void like some cloying choirboy behind the altar of
human sacrifice.”
Vikings Ahoy!
Emp TV has also been accused of accepting money from the smiling yet greying Lion-Prince Pixel Jr., on behalf of high-heeled tanned
Vikings in t-shirts wielding sharp kronas and guilders, in the form
of paid advertisements purporting to purvey peace.
Several other popular ‘alter the native’ newspapers such as “The
Rave” have fallen in the last year, said U.B. Nickerlos, “to the
largesse of the valkyries of valhalla, who are the latest front group
for the oil-sukking Krackerfeller Korporation, kurrently waging mega-war in Iraq (or ‘New Iowa’) and Afghanistan (or ‘New Alabama’).”